Is it Real? Fake? Or Real Fake?

I'm lying on the floor with a bottle of Grey Goose.  It's not what you think.


I am inspecting to see if the label is straight; crooked labels are sure sign of piracy.   Ayi asks what I am doing.  I tell her I'm checking the liquor's authenticity--if it's jia (fake) or not.  Austin protests: "But I bought it at April Gourmet!"  April Gourmet is the little grocer in Park Avenue that caters to foreigners.  April gourmet is where we pay $9.00 for a box of cereal.  I swore I would never pay $9.00 for cereal.  I caved; I pay it. (Mental note:  open a small grocery catering to expats in China = get rich quick.)


According to an American wine distributor,  80% of the alcohol you buy, the upscale grocers included, is fake.  Let's assume for a minute that you just won the liquor roulette and selected a true bottle of, say, a nice Spanish Rioja.  Chances are that bottle has been sitting in Chinese customs tarmac in 100 degree weather or below-zero-degree weather for gosh knows how long.  We had three undrinkable bottles in a row.  The more circumspect distributors only import wine in the Spring and Fall when the weather's mild.  You have to buy direct from circumspect distributors.  You have to know a "wine guy."


We gave up (temporarily) trying to buy wine in China, but there still was this bottle of Grey Goose to consider.  Ayi said: "It can't be fake, it has a seal."  "But is the seal fake, I asked?" "Hmmmmm, maybe," she pondered. 


In China is it hard to know what is authentic.  A seal guarantees nothing.  It might just be sophisticated forgery.  When we first arrived in Beijing one of our myriad "handlers" asked me if I wanted to buy a "real phone, a fake phone or a real fake phone." After mulling over my odd and oddly sincere options I responded:  "Um, I dunno?"  I asked: "What is the difference?"  He said: "I dunno?  Price, usually."  I settled on a Lenovo, what our handler termed a "real-fake phone" because Lenovo is a legit Chinese brand that produces good but copied technology.  (I know some Americans working at Lenovo.  I mean no offense by this, I am just repeating the conversation.) The Lenovo I bought was cheap and good but unfortunately it was stolen.  Austin ordered me a pricy Samsung replacement that I'm sure is a fake-fake because it sucks.


I was advised to check all the 100 kuai notes that you withdraw from bank ATMs for fakes.  (Kuai is the spoken term for the Chinese currency.  They write Yuan but say kuai.  100 kuai is about $15 at the time of this writing.  I think it is the largest bank note.)  Several of the expats here have gotten fakes from banks.  Yes, from banks.  You cannot hope to get a refund unless you notify the camera right then and there.  To do this, you must face the camera and check every last bill before the ATM sucks up your card.  You cannot withdraw your card from the ATM because you need to have the transaction time stamped if you want a refund.  You have about 30 seconds to check before the ATM sucks up your card and you have to wait in line for hours to get it back.  Do I check my bills?  Sometimes. 


We switched our Nestle water service because Austin claimed the water tasted funny.  Turns out an estimated 30% of Nestle water jugs sold are nothing but good ol' Chinese tap water.  You don't want to drink Chinese tap water. 


To be fair, water scams happen everywhere.  The Arrowhead "artisanal" water everyone buys in California is just tap water from a large plant in Riverside that is pumped into toxic BPA plastic.  The difference is that US government has strict regulations on tap water.  It's safe to drink, for now at least. 


We switched to Watson's water.  Watson's is the only water company in China that adheres to U.S. water regulations.  It is double, sometimes triple the cost of competing brands.  We might be getting good water, or we might be paying a mint for tap water.  Who knows?  It tastes good, but then again so does lead.


On all water jugs in China there is a seal with a phone number and a 16-digit code.  You are supposed to call or log onto a site that is in all Chinese and type in the code before you drink the water.  If the code does not match a serial number in the company's database, you have been scammed.  You do not get your money or your health back.  I've tried several times to check our Watson's water online using the Fox Lingo web translator and I get no response.  The site loops and loops and keeps me wondering.


Can you imagine waiting on hold just to check whether you can drink a glass of water or have that cup of steaming coffee in your hand?  Americans take a lot for granted.  Americans are trusting.  We have the luxury of being able to trust.  Sure, some products escape the testing; the FDA, for example does not regulate household cleaners.  (You read that correctly, most are NOT safe. Stop kidding yourself that your all-purpose cleaner must be safe since it's sold in the US.)  But our air, water and food supplies are regularly tested and results are made public. 


The omnipresence of scams helps explain certain Chinese behaviors I have witnessed both here and in the United States.  I remember a Chinese man who came to our moving sale in Seattle.  He sat and examined and tested a bicycle pump we were selling for 30 minutes.  I insisted that is was in working condition; that we were only selling it because my hopelessly disorganized/undomesticated husband couldn't find his pump (that was in the garage NEXT to the bikes), so he bought another.  And another...........  My words did not make a lick of difference to this man; he ignored them and continued to pump the handle up and down, up and down, up and down, scrutinizing the gauge with each burst of air.  In the end, he offered me $1 for a $60 brand new pump.  I sent him away. 


One of my favorite cultural activities is watching the scene at the local wet market.  Chinese buy their fish live.  You pick a fish and the fishmonger thwaps it on the head and disembowels it in front of you. The Chinese typically do not buy their fish any other way.  If the fish is alive it has to be real and it has to be fresh.


I'm going to digress a moment and tell about yesterday's fish purchase.  I bought two carp (?) to steam for dinner.  My favorite fishmonger is inquiring about my children while he swings his arm to the side mid-sentence and bashes the flopping fish's head into a concrete pillar.  Some scales and fish juice splash right into my mouth.  I'm trying not to vomit as Mr. Fishmonger keeps jabbering away.  He throws the  still very much alive fish on the nastiest cutting board I've ever seen.  He is standing 4 inches deep in blood and guts and quickly adds my fishs' guts to the bilge.  He bags up my fish and hands them to me. 

I'm already traumatized for sending a fish to it's death in such a cruel fashion when, fifteen minutes later,  one of the fish begins to flop and jerk wildly.  I'm scream and hold bag at arm's length.  I've seen people walking with flopping bags but I just assumed they plopped a whole live fish into a bag.  My fish had been gutted!  I saw it gutted!  How could it be flopping?  I'm half laughing/crying and don't know what to do.  As usual, I've got a crowd of Chinese people staring at me and they are probably thinking I am Public Idiot Number One.  The fish convulses another 5 minutes until I male it back up to the apartment.  I throw the fish into the fridge and slam the door shut.

Our favorite fishmonger at the local wet market.  He has an infectious smile.  He is so happy despite being ankle deep in fish guts and working in water in below-zero temperatures.  The wet market is warehouse is not climate controlled.

I was now scarred of this fish.  I was scared to cook this fish.  I was scared to open the fridge door.  I know it sounds silly, but my heart was pounding as I gingerly opened up the bag.  I was bracing for the zombie fish to hurl itself out and devour my face.  I used a long knife to pry open the bag in case I needed to defend myself.  Defend myself against a dead (?) fish.  Once I confirmed the fish was indeed dead it cooked up very nicely.  My kids asked if I could teach Ayi to cook this every day.  Yes, that is a grand idea.  I will let her deal with zombie fish.

This Carp Fought The Good Fight.  It was darn tasty.

As I was saying, buying a live fish ensures the fish is fresh.  It also ensures that those with weak constitution or Catholic guilt consider becoming vegetarian.  Before you pick your live fish it is customary to inspect it.  The fishmonger places the fish on a plate of shallow water.  You will see a row of Chinese people looking in the fish's mouth, lifting up it's gills, poking at it's abdomen.  What the hell they are checking for I do not know.  I figure if the fish was sick it would have died long before it made the inspection plate.  Let's face it, you have to be bionic to survive the pollution/transport in China.


The Chinese will spend 20 minutes inspecting a fish before they buy it.  They spend an equal amount of time buying fruits and vegetables.  You should see how long it takes them to buy oranges.  They pick up and stare at each one, loudly reciting each's merits or demerits.  I'm like, "shit, is it orange?  Okay then, put it in my bag."


You would think with all the forgery there would be protests, backlash.  Alas, the Chinese are a patient and enduring people.