It’s two weeks before our Burma departure and I am feeling pleased with myself that I managed to get the whole family in to the International SOS Medical Clinic in Beijing for our jungle disease shots. Small things equal large victories in China.
I should have gotten us all vaccinated for Typhoid in the States, I know I should have. And I should have gotten that scrip filled for the Malaria pills. It’s just that I was so busy getting the boys all caught up on their standard shots and squeezing every last drop of blood from my veins to hand over to the Chinese Government. To obtain a Chinese Residence Visa, you have to provide 8 different blood samples, plus lung x-rays and electrocardiograms. Mr. Honorable Lee/Zhang/Chen*, National Hero of the People and Director of Immigration Health Services wants to know if we, The Sheppards, are dying of gonorrhea, the Plague, Black Lung Disease and/or if we have beating hearts. The Plague? The last time the Plague constituted a public health crisis was back in the Middle Ages—Monty Python wouldn’t lie! Besides, if I had contracted the Plague, I am pretty darn sure it would not have been in the United States. Black Lung? We're working on it.
Between the 12 separate doctors appointments, lab visits, follow-up lab visits, (*the author notes: thank God we are healthy, this temporary inconvenience is the nightmarish reality for those with ailing health*), the packing and showing our house, getting the boys enrolled in an international school, farewell drinking with friends, etc. etc. etc. I just could not make that last appointment. Plus, we were assured in August that SOS could provide all international travelers vaccinations if and when we need them.
So it was with some shock that Dr. John of SOS told us Tuesday afternoon that no International Clinic could legally give us vaccines for typhoid or Malaria prophylactics. Now, Dr. John seemed like a very nice guy but my mind kept skipping to that nebulous word “legally.” Uh-huh, “So could you give them to us illegally?” I asked. Plenty of things are illegal in China--hawking loogies, booting people from taxis because you don’t want to drive them to their destination, driving in reverse on freeway ramps--though I have yet to see the police ticket anyone for anything. Beijing police prefer to hang out in large groups and play mahjong or basketball, letting the police officer mannequins and ubiquitous signs of busty female po-pos with anime eyes keep the populace honest.
I was still unfazed, sure that I could get coverage in another hospital or clinic that was less concerned or unaware of the law du jour. There had to be reserves of Malarone, the only effective anti-malarial safe for children under 8, lurking on some pharmacy shelf.
I was wrong. Mr. Lee/Zhang/Chen Supreme Overlord of World Health decided in a apoplectic, baijou-inspired (baijou is Chinese hard liquor) moment of great national pride that only vaccines manufactured in China would be made available to the people. The problem is that there are many vaccines/pills that are not made in China. Or demand outpaces supply. Plus I’m told to never trust a vaccine made in China.
Whatever the reason, we still have no inoculation against typhoid or Malaria. I email our travel agent in Burma, Mr. Tin Hun. Surely he will be able to have some ready for us upon arrival. Burma is rife with typhoid and a high-risk malaria country. Wrong again. Mr. Tin Hun had never heard of Malarone (or it’s chemical equivalent), nor had the doctors he supposedly consulted. And typhoid: “typhoid is not a problem here.” Never mind what the CDC, embassies and travelers say. Right. What am I thinking asking these questions in the most closed regime in the world?
I’m trying to keep calm. I am trying to rationalize why we really don’t need to take these precautions: they are only 80% effective anyway, they have side effects, we will only be there 10 days, I will slather the boys with liver-slaying DEET, we won't eat street food, we will only drink bottled water. I'm no stranger to rationalizing our way out of vaccines. Six years ago, I made a conscience decision to forgo some modern-day pediatric vaccines—chicken pox, hep B, etc. I also spaced out the boys' vaccines, never getting more than 2 at a time, making darn sure we were non-complaint with every preschool and school they attended.
I consult the Internet-- let medical research be my guide! Bad idea. I discover that Myanmar has the worst kind of Malaria with a 10% death rate. I discover that if you survive the brain-melting fever, you can die of starvation. I think of my boys, especially Finn, who have zero body fat reserves dying of starvation. I discover that Typhoid is the worst form of Salmonella. I got the "best" form of Salmonella in Ecuador and it took my digestive tract 6 years to recover.
Full-blown panic rears up and I put in THE CALL to Austin. Austin fears THE CALL more than he fears being torn to shreds by a pit bull. He knows it's THE CALL when can’t even finish saying “hello?” before the verbal assault begins.
Austin: :Hel-"
Me: “I’m canceling Burma!!!!!!”
Austin: "Huh?"
Me:"Can't we jut go to Australia *SOB*"
Austin: "Huh?"
Me:"It would be totally irresponsible to go. Finn will die of starvation!!!!!!!!"
Austin: "Huh?"
Me: "I'm canceling!!!!!"
Austin: "Huh?????"
Me: "Then you go and die of Typhoid!" HANGS UP.
Austin: "Huh?"
Four hours later the phone rings. I am huddled on the couch, miserable because we are not going to Burma and we are $4,000 down all because of Mr. Lee/Zhang/Chen has a hard-on for Chinese-made vaccines.
It's Austin. "I've booked flights to Hong Kong. You and the boys are going tomorrow. Get packing."
Me: "But, but but....."
Austin: "Get packing. Click."
Yes, so let me make this clear for ya'all: We have to fly to Hong Kong, China to get vaccines that are not allowed in China. China is not China, unless it's China. We will have to make a third appointment with a doctor to get our jungle vaccines. Hong Kong is 1,400 miles south of Beijing. Hong Kong ain't cheap. I cost us a good $4,000 dollars to get us our questionable prophylactics, but in the end we were lucky/rich enough to get them, which is more than I can say for the millions of people living in disease-rife countries who do not have access to health care. Alas, the topic of world health I must save for another blog, another career, another life.
The upside: Hong Kong was one helluva an adventure!
*I read that 60% of the Chinese population has the last name of Lee, Zhang or Chen. The top 10 surnames cover 90% of the population.
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